I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He shit in the fireplace
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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