One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
