Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
