My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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