someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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