sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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