my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize