are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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