So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
