just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
