There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
