dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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