Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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