he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
