remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
