My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
