Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
