I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
