Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So many bounce houses so little time
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
