Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize