The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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