i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
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I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Damn victory sex feels great
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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