R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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