tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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