We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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