I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(