I'm pants shitting drunk right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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