he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.