I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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