she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are we still banned from the library?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
