maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
