im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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