I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
