He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
