The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
