Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
