I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
