I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
