I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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