we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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