we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
