I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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