Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
