the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
