life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
