I think scott just propositioned me for sex
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
