i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
