eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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