Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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