the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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