She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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