Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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