naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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