I think I died a long time ago.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
