Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
