it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
