I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
