Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I forgot wine drunk hurts