Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened