Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize