im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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