Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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