toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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