I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just forgot I was standing up.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
