Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
