I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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