I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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