I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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